Truth and Light

Seven years ago my father wrote a book called Truth and Light. Until this day, I had not read past the dedication. This had always been a regret of mine, but I never bothered to do anything about it besides feeling appropriately guilty. Now that I have finally gotten beyond those words penned on the inside of the cover to the printed text, I realize two things. Number one: the time I spent berating myself for being a bad daughter was a complete waste because number two: "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1) and number three: God has impeccable timing. Below is the dedication my father wrote to me, dated September of 2003.

"To my Rachel,

You are so special to me and I love being your Daddy! I hope this book helps you learn more about how much God loves you.

I love you with all of my heart,

Daddy" 

Seven years ago my father wrote me a dedication, not knowing how much I would need to hear those words as an 18-year-old at the verge of a new year and at the end of her wits. Since the beginning of my break from school (though the history of the issue runs much farther back), I have been struggling to define my priorities. I have many, many goals which, coupled with an unfortunate desire to see them all come to fruition immediately, leads inevitably to failure, lack of sleep, irritability, and low self esteem. I often find myself swept up in the whirlwind spirit of the age which is "Hurry, hurry, hurry! You'll sleep when you're dead!" This happened to me yet again when I looked out at the six-week expanse of free time ahead of me and immediately began planning productivity. In my ambition, I forgot the necessity of rest and my total dependence on God. I cannot believe it is mere coincidence, then, when the introduction of book I've been meaning to read for seven years speaks directly to these issues.

"We are able to communicate, travel, be entertained, receive and manage information in ways only dreamed of a few years ago. This flood of options and information creates complexity. We must choose from a growing number of possibilities and it is expected that we will make those choices faster so that we can 'keep up' and not 'fall behind.' But this assumes people can continue to make more decisions in less time, and yet not sacrifice the quality of their decisions and therefore the quality of the outcomes. It's in the nature of things that this kind of scenario will result in confusion, frustration and anger. Since depression is anger turned inward, is it any wonder in a time of unprecedented wealth, luxury and options for the 'common man' that depression is the curse of our age?  People in our culture increasingly resemble a child's pet hamster that runs madly on its wheel but gets nowhere."

 -Gregg Harris, Truth and Light

 This paragraph describes exactly everything I've been going through these past few weeks and everything I've been battling these past few years. I continued on to read the first chapter, and found the book again addressing my struggles. The chapter speaks of the absolute truth of God's love for me. Like a thirsty traveler who comes upon a spring in the desert, I was amazed upon finding these words of affirmation during a time of deep self-doubt. "If the God of the universe cares enough to write each of your days into his book before you draw your first breath, then your life is filled with meaning." Lately I've begun to question everything in my life, feeling hopelessly lost and wondering what my purpose is and where I'm headed. This statement, grounded in Psalm 139:16, was an assurance that God has a unique and wonderful plan - not just for the world - but for my life. If there's one thing I've learned from a semester of Torrey, it's that context matters. I decided to read Psalm 139 to be sure I was hearing God's words and not just the words of the book.

"You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.
 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.
 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.
 ¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
   your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
   I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting."

As I read, I began to cry, for every word spoke directly to my troubles. Verses 1-6 told me that God knows me deeply and is always watching me because he cares. 7-12 confirmed what I have already learned from experience: that I cannot hide from God, and even in my disobedience he is guiding me. 13-15 told me that I am a beautiful creation, something I needed desperately to hear. 16 told me that I have a purpose in God. 17-18 were a statement of truth and a reminder to always be listening for God's voice, because I am ever in his presence. 19-24 showed me the meaning of true obedience so that I might make it my desire for this next year and the rest of my life.

This Psalm, along with everything I read tonight, was a testament to my worth in God's eyes, and proof of his faithfulness. It cut to my core like a double-edged sword, a wonderful and welcome wound. I find healing through my pain as I begin to see the truth and the light.